Chocolate Orbs Melt in Your Mouth, Not In Your Hands: Avoiding Fandom Clichés, Part Two
January 13, 2012 2 Comments
Since this is a continuation of a previous column, I’m going to make like a college boy and skip the foreplay.
Chocolate met emerald.
A few weeks back, a reader tweeted she’d seen this phrase used in all three updates she’d read that day. Unfortunately, this one goes way beyond Twific. I’ve read it in Song of Ice and Fire fic as well as published erotica. What’s wrong with it? Well, besides sounding corny as hell, it’s a mixed metaphor. If we’re likening Edward’s eyes to gemstones, in order for the comparison to work, the same should be done for Bella’s.
Smokey-brown quartz met emerald?
It’s a much better metaphor, but the cheese factor increases exponentially. Best to skip it all together and just say her eyes met his.
See something you like?
Maybe it’s just me, but if a guy said that me to my response would more than likely be, “Not anymore.” I’m not even sure what the purpose of this one is, but it’s used in hundreds of fics. Most of the time, it doesn’t even fit the scene. Sure, there are some contexts in which uttering this phrase isn’t lame, but they involve shopping or menu-perusing, not flirting or fucking. Maybe that’s because it’s not flirty, it certainly is not sexy, and in many cases, it detracts from otherwise well-written scenes.
I opened my mouth to grant him entry, and our tongues battled for dominance.
War as a metaphor for sex has been around…well…for as long as we’ve had war and sex. As long as the motif is carried through the entire scene, it can work well. When it’s just a line or two here and there, the metaphor is lost on readers and you’re left with nothing but really aggressive tongues. I once dated a guy who kissed like that. I broke up with him over it. If I wanted my mouth to feel attacked, I’d go to the dentist.
“Nope,” he said, popping the p.
By definition, all Ps are popped, making this not only overused but redundant.
“You’re mine! Mine!”
Once in a while, my three-year-old daughter pulls this. I put her in time-out for it. That’s exactly what this reminds me of—a child throwing a tantrum.
A single tear slid down her cheek.
This is most commonly used in scenes in which Bella loses her virginity. Edward breaks through the barrier located midway inside her tight, heated core with a single powerful thrust. When he moves his finger to her sensitive nub and rubs it in a circular motion, all pain is forgotten.
I could go into what’s wrong with this, but I only have four hours before I have to pick up my kids at school. Suffice it to say, I hate this with every fiber of my being.
About the author:
Sleepyvalentina freely admits she used at least one of the above clichés in Art After 5. She’s since edited them out.